Don't Call Me Buddy
by Bardicsidhe
Summary: After bouts of self-doubt and worry, Ryan finally makes an important discovery...to Kendall's delight.
1. Matters of Blood

**Don't Call Me Buddy**

**Chapter 1**

**"Matters of Blood"**

(Come on, we've all seen it.  Sometime those devious AMC writers are going to bring Ryan and Kendall together.  Here's one path to that event…but are they really in love…or just in need of comfort? * wicked smile *) 

_(Cameron:  You're absolutely hopeless…you know that right?)_

_(Scylla:  Of course I do.  *grins*)_

_(Cameron:  Just remember what I told you about my character…)_

_(Scylla:  I know, I remember.  But no promises.)_

_(Cameron:  *sighs painfully*  Why do I bother?  *throws his hands in the air and stalks off*)_

The characters and places portrayed here aren't mine, they belong to ABC.

            Ryan angrily stalked into his hotel room at the Pine Cone and slammed the door.  He tore off his jacket, listening with sullen satisfaction as a seam gave way.  No comment from the room across.  Huh.  He'd expected Kendall to hear his bike roar in and come charging over like some avenging angel.  Like she always did…Ryan half-smiled, then his expression soured as he caught sight of himself in the mirror.  The seat of his pants was dirty and there were leaf bits stuck to him just about everywhere.  He turned to face the reflection.  Blood was attractively smeared on his shirt, now dried and likely impossible to remove.  Blood.  Stamp's blood.  _My blood_…he ran callused, unsteady fingers through his shock of brown hair and grimaced desperately at the reflection.  Chris's eyes gazed back at him now, stark blue and round with fear.  Fear that he would never walk again.  Fear that Proteus would escape.  _Fear for his son_?  Ryan blinked and shook his head.  The eyes arresting him in the mirror were his own once again.  _We have a strand of DNA in common…so what?  It's too late to mean anything now.  He's not my old man.  He _killed _my old man.  _Somehow, those words had a hollow ring to them.  They didn't conjure up the old hate he'd been nursing for years.

            Kendall gave him no time to consider much else as she pushed his door halfway open and peered inside.  "Ryan?" She asked hopefully, fearfully.  Ryan turned from the mirror, dropping his hands to his sides.  His right arm twitched as he watched her slide through the opening and close the door silently in her wake.  Just a half hour ago he'd been holding her—he could still feel the gentle curve of the small of her back against his palm—

            "Just can't keep your nose out of here, can you Kendall?"  Ryan smiled acidly.  "Why did I get such a snoop for a neighbor?"  He raised his eyes entreatingly skyward.

            Kendall flipped her hair.  "I came to see if you were all right," she said nervously, twisting one curl around her finger, "and you certainly don't look all right.  You're still in last night's clothes…" She turned her gaze pointedly at his shirt.  He looked from bloodstains to Kendall's white sweater.  It made her look decidedly pale and vulnerable.  He wondered if it was just the sweater.  "So are you."

            Kendall shot him an Are-You-Serious look.  "Well, I'm not the one with the blood on his shirt," she pointed out delicately.  "Well, if you'd ever give me a moment's peace I could change," Ryan shrugged coldly in the face of her concern and paced to the door of the bathroom.

            He stopped.  Kendall watched as his hand groped for the corner of the wall, as his shoulders sagged and his head dropped.  She covered the little distance from the front door to Ryan, as he stood with his back to her.  

"Six Pack?"  Kendall dropped a hand gently on one of those sloping shoulders.  It trembled a little under her touch.  Ryan straightened as if shocked, and whipped around to face her startled expression.  "D'you think you can just march in here whenever you want?  This is _my _room!  Get out before I throw you out!  Why would I want to have anything to do with you anyway?  You're a walking disaster area!"  He snapped his mouth shut, realizing he'd just answered his own thoughts out loud.  Kendall stepped back, her startlement changing to hurt.  "Is that what you think?  You think I'd follow you home to make sure you didn't have an accident on that…that _death _trap, then come over here and check on you if I didn't care?  You think I'd have gone to the hospital and stayed with you while you waited to hear about your—about Chris?"

            Ryan sighed.  "I don't know, okay?"  He answered, the pitch and volume of his voice rising.  "I don't know anything about you!  I don't know who you are, all I know is what you've done…who your mother is…" Ryan choked to a halt at the wounded expression on Kendall's face.  He'd torn it now.  Deep down, he was hurting too, but the sick little voice in his mind was perversely satisfied.  Now she'd go away and leave him alone.  _But after today, I think I've had enough of alone._

            Kendall visibly stiffened, eyes flashing dangerously.  "Nice to know you care."  Her eyes narrowed and _she _stalked to the door and turned, standing poised and oozing injured anger from every pore.  "You know what Ryan?"  She asked.

            "What, Kendall?"  He tried to sound exasperated, irritated…and failed.

            Kendall was unimpressed.  "You're pathetic.  You find out your real father is still alive, that he _loved _your mother, and you turn your back.  The man _takes a bullet for you_ and you say he's nothing more to you than genes—while _he_ lies paralyzed in a hospital bed!  And now you're feeling guilty.  You're angry.  So what do you do?  You attack me, and you throw my mother at me.  Nice move, Six Pack."  With that, Kendall yanked the door open and slammed it angrily behind her as she stood on the threshold, fuming.

            Ryan looked helplessly after her as Kendall whisked out the door.  He covered his eyes then and stumbled into the bathroom, where he stripped off the offending shirt and flung it into the bathtub.  He sat down on the edge, head in his hands.  Now pain came ghosting around him, settling into his soul, as it hadn't since Gillian's death.  _Gilly_.  The memories flooded back into him until he consciously blocked them out again.  He looked up and was once again confronted with his own reflection.  Brown hair.  Eyes the same shade of blue.  The same strong jaw line and obstinate chin…even the same cleft!  No doubt, Stamp hadn't been lying.  _Then I'm his son.  He jumped in front of a sniper for me.  He may be tied in a wheelchair for the rest of his life.  Because of _me_.  Because _I'm _not human enough to admit when I'm wrong…to trust someone else.  Oh Gillian, why didn't you tell me?  You knew…you were there the whole time, weren't you?_

The bathroom echoed with silence.  Terrible guilt overwhelmed him, and his shoulders rounded as he collapsed into silent, wracking sobs.

            Kendall spent the night staring at the ceiling in her room.  Sleep was out of the question, since her dreams had become more treacherous than ever of late.  

_She looked across a small ravine to see Ryan on the other side, smiling at her.  "I can't reach you from here…can you jump?" He called out to her.  She nodded, not sure she could but willing to try.  "I'll catch you," he promised.  Taking a deep breath, she backed up and took a running leap over the ravine.  She could almost feel Ryan's arms encircling her…when suddenly the ravine yawned into a chasm beneath her feet.  He dropped his outstretched hands and she dropped…dropped…_

Kendall blinked at the memory of the nightmare.  Well, at least her mother hadn't figured in.  Cold comfort at the best.  The sun peeped between her blinds and a tattoo sounded on her door.  Yawning groggily, Kendall pulled on a pair of worn flannel bottoms from the chair at her bedside and went to answer the door.

It was Erica.  

She looked just as haggard as Kendall felt; her face pale and drawn.  "How's Chris?" Kendall asked, skipping the formalities of exchanging insults.  Erica sighed and shook her head.  "Joe says he needs more time to recover before they can operate again to free the bullet fragment lodged against his spine."  Erica lowered her head and tangled one thin, elegant hand in her curls, hiding what were obviously tears.

"Why are you here?" Kendall asked bluntly.

"I'm looking for Bianca, I thought she might be here,"

"Why would she be here?"

"Because you've been so supportive of her…" Erica's voice trailed off.  _Because you think I've won her over to _my _side, _Kendall finished the sentence mentally.

"Meaning…" Kendall waited patiently, despite the fact that she'd had no sleep and it was seven in the morning.  Right in her line of sight, Ryan's door blankly repelled her.  She focused her gaze back on her mother, who suddenly seemed even smaller and more fragile than usual.  Erica stared up at her innocently.  "Meaning what?  I'm just looking for my daughter, Kendall.  And you're not telling me anything."

"Well, Bianca's not here.  I'm not my sister's keeper…sorry.  Didn't mean that."  The flippant words escaped before she could stay them.  Binky took altogether _too _much of Erica's attention.  Hard for other people to squeeze in.  Kendall shifted nervously.

            Erica smiled with easy superiority.  "You wouldn't happen to know where she's staying?"  She wheedled coaxingly.  Kendall shrugged.

"No."

            The superior smile disappeared abruptly.  Without a reply Erica turned and walked away.  Kendall closed the door and stared at it.  _I'm not enough.  I'm her daughter too, but I'm not enough._  Tears began to swell, threatening to spill over.  _No Kendall, don't.  It's—she's not _worth _it!  Go see Ryan…you can't fix your own problems…why not try fixing his?  _She steeled herself and strode purposefully over to his door.

She knocked.

No answer.

She waited.

No answer.

Frustrated, Kendall leaned her weight against it and sighed.  Then suddenly the door gave way behind her and she fell backward.  _Dropped…dropped…_

            Before she could register more than shock a pair of arms shot underneath her, and she was looking up into a pair of very surprised brown eyes.  Her heart began to gallop so wildly she was sure he could feel it thundering against his hands.

            "Hello," Ryan rumbled.  Kendall tried to speak, but found it difficult to breathe.  From his expression, Ryan seemed to be having the same problem.  His arms were tight and tense, and she clasped him above the elbows desperately, trying to find her feet as she hung there.  Kendall struggled and Ryan took the hint.  He straightened and pulled her up with him, holding her still until she could use her legs properly again.  Then she was standing, and he still didn't let go… 

            "Ryan?"  She asked, helpfully.  He jerked and dropped his arms as if she'd burned him.  "How long have you been standing out here?  I was asleep…I didn't know you were leaning against the door."  Kendall scrutinized the face of the other and noted the red beneath his eyes and the slightly swollen nose.  _He…he's been crying!_  She schooled her expression—which would otherwise be exhibiting shock—into a calmer mask than she felt.

            "Don't worry about it.  I just came over to check on you."

            "Kendall…I'm sorry for attacking you yesterday.  You were right, I—had a lot to sort out."

            "It's all right.  I've already forgiven you," Kendall said graciously.  Ryan blinked.  "You did…you have?  I didn't expect that from you."

"That's because you were right.  You _don't_ know everything about me."

"Meaning…?"  He echoed her earlier words.  Kendall smiled.

"Meaning I forgive people I care about very easily."  She had meant the words to come out lightly and ease the tension she could _feel _emanating from him, but instead, the sentence hung between them.  Kendall acted on them, closing the gap until she was once again standing within arm's reach.  And she _did _reach…only to meet him halfway…reaching back.

*****

_(Cameron:  *Sighs and mutters something under his breath*)_


	2. Not Quite Forever

**Don't Call Me Buddy**

**Episode 2**

**"Not Quite Forever"**

The characters and places portrayed here aren't mine, they belong to ABC.

*****

Ryan wondered how long they'd been standing outside his door.  The sun was full on his back now, warming him despite the chill of the winter morning.  

            Sunlight wasn't the only thing providing warmth.  Kendall Hart was currently wrapped around him as tightly as his old leather jacket…just as comfortable and reassuring.  _It's been a long time.  _She felt as thin and fragile in his arms as an abandoned kitten.  _She's been through just as much as I have…and she's just as miserable. _ Ryan held her closer in sympathy.

            Kendall rested her cheek on Ryan's shoulder and closed her eyes with a sigh of contentment.  _I could die happily right now, _she thought.  Her adoptive parents had given her care and comfort—but nothing prepared her for _this!  _Kendall half-expected Ryan to push her away.  She wasn't exactly a lovable person…he had to see that!  _I can be vindictive, sneaky, cruel, plotting…why would he even want to _speak _to me?  _She tensed as Ryan hugged her closer…one palm gently brushing the small of her back.  _Because he needs me._  The words came to Kendall's mind in a rush.  _He's just found his real father, and now the man might die or be chair-bound forever.  Possibly even feels guilty about it._  She blinked.  This might only last a week…a day…!  When Ryan no longer needed comfort…that would be the end.  _Well, Mr. Lavery…as long as you need it, I'm going to be here._  Slowly, she raised her eyes to his.

            Ryan met Kendall's gaze, an expression of grim determination gracing her delicate features.  "Hey, what's wrong?" He asked softly, freeing one hand to trace the line of her jaw.  She shook her head, trying to look away.  He touched her chin and brought her eyes back to meet his.  "Don't keep it from me, whatever it is."

"I'm trying to decide what I'm doing."

            Ryan looked a little concerned.  _Hurt._  The hand at her back flexed convulsively, and Kendall realized her mistake.  She hurried to reassure him.  "Oh, no!  Not about _you_…I don't regret this at all!"

            Relief registered across Ryan's face in a flush. He didn't ask for a further explanation.  Kendall reeled as he tilted her head up.  She raised a hand to brush her fingers against his, and pressed her cheek into his palm, eyes never leaving his steady gaze.  _Oh, Kendall.  You're only going to get yourself hurt.  _Then it no longer mattered, for Ryan was smiling at her.  Impulsively, Kendall leaned into him and pulled his head down toward her.  Their lips met in a kiss that shocked the breath right out of her.  

            Ryan jerked a little at the added pressure of Kendall's body against his.  He closed his eyes as her mouth found his, and returned the gesture with as much passion as his sleepless night would allow.  He dropped both arms to circle around her body, crushing her in an embrace that forced the air out of her lungs.  

Kendall couldn't breathe, but she didn't tell him so…instead she wrapped her own arms around his neck and hugged him so close it was becoming hard to tell where one ended and the other started.  She felt herself lifted, then, as Ryan bent and swooped her up.  _Oh my…_Kendall gasped into his mouth at the swiftness of the movement.  "Where to, lady?"  He asked, an eyebrow ironically raised.  Kendall smiled.  "Home, James," she ordered, and Ryan obediently carried her into his room.  He swept a leg out and kicked the door shut.  Then Ryan set her gently on the bed and pressed his lips to hers…and drew her into the wake of a new and indefinable joy…_could this be love?_

He stopped, drew back.  His eyes searched hers, asking a question that he didn't dare give voice.  _Are you sure?_

Eyes wide, Kendall reached for him…pulled him to her…and left him no doubt as to her surety.

*****

Kendall woke, sun pouring through the blinds from the opposite direction.  _Afternoon…we spent the whole morning…?_  She stretched and felt her stomach growl.  "I have no common sense," she muttered and turned to look at Ryan.  His eyes were still closed, the peace of sleep not yet erased from his features.  She wondered how often he slept as peacefully as he rested now.  Carefully, she moved to the edge of the bed and pulled on the recently discarded nightshirt and flannel bottoms.  _He'll laugh when he finds out that _this_ is what I wear to bed…I'll bet Gillian wore Victoria's Secret…_She felt a twinge at that.  From the brief timeline she'd managed to wheedle out of Ryan, it appeared as if Kendall were the first woman he'd…been with…since Gillian's death.  _Man, what a come-down.  From the European Princess to the Perfume Queen's forgotten daughter.  _Her mouth quirked.  

Ryan shifted, and the bed squeaked beneath him.  His eyes cracked open, and focused on Kendall seated at the edge of the bed.  She caught his gaze, and the whole morning came pouring back into his memory.  _I can't believe she's here.  I can't believe she let me…after all the cruel things I've said…_There was welcome so hearstoppingly sweet in her eyes that left no room for doubt.  _I must've done something right.  I don't deserve her…_He smiled.  "Hi,"

Kendall returned his greeting with an impish grin.  "Hi.  How are you feeling?"

"Better."  

            Ryan kissed the hollow of Kendall's throat, hard put to keep from looking into her eyes.  _I don't want to fall in love with her.  She doesn't deserve to be put through hell.  Which is exactly what I'd do to her.  Presuming she'd stay with me long enough to _find out _what hell I can cause.  I can't even forgive my own father…what makes me think I'm human enough to love _anyone _anymore?_

            Kendall noted the deepening frown on her lover's face and dropped a soft kiss on the corner of his mouth.  "Ryan?  Did I—do something wrong?"  When there was no response, Kendall slid over and sat on her knees on the mattress, waiting.  Still no response.  Ryan's eyes were squeezed shut, as if he were trying to will something away with every fibre in his body.  Fearful, Kendall reached out and laid one hand delicately against the bare skin of his bicep.  She flinched as he opened his eyes, expecting to be roared at.  She'd come to realize he strongly disliked intrusion into his private thoughts.  Instead of heated words, a cool hand rested atop hers, and Kendall raised her eyes to meet Ryan's baby blues.  Shock coursed through her body.

They were bright with unshed tears.

_(Okay, I edited the story…we'll save that bit for later.  After all, wasn't I just letting him get a little bit out of his current character there?  Too much pure fluff to be Ryan and Kendall. *grins*  No worries—he won't get away that easy!  * Watches as Cameron reads the new script*)_

_(Cameron:  *gulps*  You're not going to make me do that…are you?)_

_(Scylla:  *eyes gleam wickedly*  You'll see.)_

_(Cameron:  *glowers*  You don't pay me enough…)_

_(Scylla:  Oh, come on…do it for the craft!)_

_(Cameron:  Well…it's not a very good reason…but it's a reason.)_


	3. Gone...and Homecoming

**Don't Call Me Buddy**

**Chapter 3**

**"Gone…And Homecoming"**

These characters and places all belong to ABC.  They're not mine…which explains a lot.

_Note from the author:  This storyline is no longer parallel to the actual show…so please don't criticize me!  I know…I know…I'm trying to work it back into step…this may take a while._

_P.S.  Don't blame me!  Blame the AMC writers for being so  slow!  *grumbles something about how it takes a week to get anywhere…*_

_(Cameron:  I'm going to need hosing off after this chapter.  *rolls his eyes and claps a hand to his forehead*  Why me?)_

_(Scylla:  Because you love it and you know it.)_

            Kendall fought to keep her expression neutral.  She learned from long experience—and of late with Ryan—that one doesn't confront a man about his emotions until _he _wants to confront them.  Not that many men had ever thought her a good enough reason to confront his feelings…Kendall shook her head.  This was now, no time to dwell on the past.  Ryan used his free hand to cover his incriminating eyes.

"Kendall…" He choked, voice low and slightly rasping.  Without a second thought, Kendall stretched out along his side and nestled her head beneath his chin.  Her chest warmed as she felt his right arm close protectively around her.  _Maybe he'll relax a little now.  I can't see if he cries now, anyway._

"Kendall, I…think I need to go."  

Kendall sat up abruptly.  Ryan was looking toward the closed blinds…he didn't see the hurt expression on her face.  "Go where?"

"I don't know."

"But you can't!  I mean…you…can't!"  Kendall wailed incoherently.  A smile stole over his features, tinged with…_no, that's not pity!  Why should he pity me?  _Ryan looked away again, and snared his pants from the nearby chair.  Kendall sighed.  "Well, if you've made up your mind, then."  A half-formed plan sharpened in her mind.  She slipped around him and shuffled through his dresser for a decent sweatshirt.  Ryan watched as she disappeared into the bathroom.  "What are you doing?"

"Getting dressed.  If you're leaving, I'm coming with you!" Kendall answered from behind the door.  She waited for him to argue, but instead there was only an agitated sigh, followed by silence.  Her heart rose to her throat.  _Do I dare hope?_

She exited the bathroom.  The front door was open, and Ryan was gone.

A motorcycle coughed to life and roared away.  Kendall leaned against the door and didn't bother to look for the source of the sound; she already knew. 

*****

            It felt good to be riding his bike again.  On the backroad he was currently traveling, it took all of his concentration to avoid skidding into the ditch.  Ryan didn't know exactly where he was going…when a massive gray shadow loomed over the next hill and he pulled up.  At the side of the huge stone building was a half-decimated tower.  _Wildwind._  _The turret.  The…mausoleum.  _Ryan's heart twisted in the old, all-too-familiar hurt.  

            The motorcycle rumbled persistently underneath him.  Sighing, Ryan turned the bike around…

_Headlights?!?  What the…LOOK OUT!!!_

            Ryan hauled his slush-splattered machine to the right as a hefty SUV barrelled past, nearly flattening him in the process.  The motorcycle's engine complained bitterly as the tires skittered sideways and made for the ditch.  Ryan tried desperately to right it…but the half-thawed mud by the roadside provided no traction.  _Oh sh…_he chose "ditch" over "gravel pavement" and bailed off into the freezing muck to avoid being crushed.  His bike skidded downhill a few more feet before finally slithering into the ditch as well.

            The drone of the engine sputtered and died as it inhaled watery mud.  Ryan waded through the knee-deep mire to where his motorcycle lay dead in the filth.  Cursing colorfully, he managed to shoulder it into a more or less upright position and leaned it against the sloping edge.  _It's going to take a week to clean out._  "_If_ I can even get it _out_ of here!"

            Ryan crawled up the embankment and collapsed in a muddy heap.  _Who cares about the bike…that idiot almost ran over me!  What if I hadn't moved fast enough?  What if I…_he shuddered and chose to ignore the shock threatening to overtake him.  Heedless of the cold, Ryan slid back into the mud to see what could be done about his motorcycle…

            …Nearly panting with the effort, Ryan drained his energy reserve to the dregs and heaved the last few inches up the embankment.  Stabbing pain lanced through his shoulder as the bike settled onto the gravel.  Ryan hauled his own body upwards to rest beside it.  He sighed and got to his feet, wrestled with the bike until it, too, was standing, and slowly walked it back to the Pine Cone.  _One good thing about this_, he sneered sarcastically, _now I have plenty of time to think._

After all, he had plenty to think about.

            Kendall woke from a fitful sleep at the tentative knock on her door.  By now she had returned to her own room and, with nothing better to do and no interest in haring off after Ryan (probably a wild goose chase anyway…) she realized just how tired she truly was and decided to take a _real_ nap.

            She moved to get up and smiled as a warm, comforting scent wreathed around her.  _Ryan…?  Oh, the sweatshirt.  Of course.  _Still beaming, she swung her door open…

            And faced a mud-covered giant looming over her doorstep.  Ryan wrapped her in an embrace that nearly suffocated.  Clutched tight against his chest, Kendall did the only thing she could force through her brain.

            Ryan fought with disappointment and concern as Kendall struggled to extract herself.  He relaxed his grip to let her free…only to feel slim arms twining themselves about his neck…and a soft mouth opening to meet his.     


	4. The Sound of Water

**Don't Call Me Buddy**

**Chapter 4**

**"The Sound of Water"**

_The characters and places in this chapter all belong to ABC_

*****__

            After what seemed like an eternity, Ryan finally relinquished control over Kendall's mouth and let her up for air.  Kendall gasped dramatically and gave him a shocked, critical once-over—peered around him at the filthy motorcycle—and returned his sober gaze.

"What in God's name happened to _you?_" She squeaked, on the knife-edge between anxious fear and hysterical laughter.  This was Ryan…_her _confident, self-assured Ryan…completely doused in dirt and looking at her with naked embarrassment.  His eyes flashed angrily.  Kendall winced under the force of his voice.  "I was almost creamed by some—_idiot—_out on the back road to Wildwind and took a side trip into the ditch!"

"What were you doing all the way out there?"  Kendall inquired in an undertone.  Ryan's posture changed in an eyeblink at her words.  She saw his shoulders tensing as his eyes flared dangerously.  Ryan dropped his head and scrubbed a hand across the back of his neck.    

Kendall could've happily slapped herself right there.  _I know _exactly_ what he was doing out there…come on, Kendall…how are you going to get yourself out of this one before he explodes about how it's "none of my business…" or retreats into that defensive shell of his?  _She shrugged the thought out of her mind and flicked a hand around the nape of his neck, capturing his fingers.  He looked up at her in surprise, jaw clenched as if considering something unpleasant.  "You know what?  It doesn't matter.  As long as you're safe."

Ryan's features softened…what little she could discern through the mud.  "Yeah.  I suppose it doesn't."

He freed his fingers.

Kendall looked down.

"You know I…"  They said together.  Ryan smiled.  "You first."

"Ah…"  Kendall answered intelligently, flustered.  Ryan crossed his arms and gave her one of his patented "oh-come-on" grins.  _Well.  He's right.  Let's get on with it.  _"I've been doing…some thinking…while you were gone…"  She explained haltingly.  Ryan noticed her expression and reached for her elbow.  Together they moved into her room.  Kendall swung the door shut and leaned against it, _trembling_ for the first time in her life.  One deep breath.  Two…she drew up more confidence and turned to face him.  "Ryan, I've never felt…I mean, I don't usually fall…it's just…" Kendall gulped and faltered to a stop.  She looked at him entreatingly.  Ryan's grin was once again replaced by his previous sober look.

"I think I know what you mean," he said flatly, "I had plenty of time to think on the way home today.  I started wondering what my d-what Chris would have felt if I _had _died…"

"Chris?"  Kendall repeated weakly, breath coming short at the tone of his voice.  There was something else hiding in those words.  Ryan's penetrating blue eyes met hers—and threw everything into the open.   

_Don't hurt me._

_Don't hurt me._

_Don't hurt me…_

"And you."

Now _his _gaze entreated her.  _Leave it alone, _he begged silently, _go slowly with me.  I don't know how much more I can take.  Any more pain and I might break.  _

            The fleeting message flashed through his eyes, and hid behind another careless grin. 

"Now can I go take a shower?"  

Kendall nodded mutely.  She thought he meant _his _shower.  In his own room.  She moved to open the door for him—Ryan headed in the opposite direction.  _Her _shower.  Kendall's heart quickened.  Should she…?  

_The sound of water._

_Water…_

That decided her.  Kendall ran across the path to Ryan's room and rifled briefly through his dresser for something _not _muddy.  She returned and locked the door behind her.

Suddenly the bathroom door seemed miles away.

Could she?

_Could _she?

_The sound of water…_

            Kendall reached the door and tapped cautiously.  "Kendall?" came the answering reply.  Kendall smirked.  "Of course it's me, dummy!"  She opened the door and walked in, "I brought you some clean-"

A hand reached out of the shower curtain and beckoned her.

Kendall dropped her burden…but didn't turn away.

They were both pleasantly surprised.

*****

_(Cameron:  Now _that's _what I get paid to do!)_

_(Scylla:  About that…*quirks an eyebrow*)_

_(Cameron:  *Crosses his arms and nods toward his contract*  No.  It's not in my job description—and I'm not going to do it.)_

_(Scylla:  *threatening*  I type…you act.  Or else I write you into something really naughty…*points to the NC-17 rating and raises _both _eyebrows*)_

_(Cameron:  You can do that?)_

_(Scylla:  Have.)_

_(Cameron:  Oh, erm…*coughs and reddens*…I suppose I could maybe…)_

_(Scylla:  *satisfied smile*  Good decision.)___


	5. What Dreams May Come

Don't Call Me Buddy

**Chapter 5**

**"What Dreams May Come…"**

_(Cameron:  *mutters a curse under his breath*)_

_(Scylla:  What was that?)_

_(Cameron:  Oh, nothing…*walks away reading this chaper's script and mumbling to himself*)_

*****

            Kendall leaned back against the shower wall, every nerve afire with sensation.  She closed her eyes and relaxed.

            Lips brushed against her cheek and eyelids, even warmer than the rivulets of water tracing the curves of her body.  Fingertips caressed her temple and jaw with a feather-light touch that sent the blood roaring through her veins.

            Softly…softly…Ryan brought his own lips down to graze Kendall's.  He felt them open under the gentle touch, and pressed down with an urgency he'd never known before.  A cold voice taunted him.  _Take what you need.  That's why you let her in here, isn't it?  Take what you need while you can…_

_NO!_

            Ryan broke away from her and turned his face into the spray of the showerhead.  He covered his eyes with one hand, bracing himself with the other against the shower wall.  Right next to Kendall.  "I don't think…" He started, and shivered as Kendall ran her fingernails lightly up his arm and wrapped her forearm around his neck.  Ryan tried to pull away, but as she looked at him with luminous brown eyes gone almost black, he started with the realization that Kendall had seen his expression, and she knew.

She knew.

_She knew_, and she wasn't going to let him stop.  _She doesn't care.  _Heedless of the cold voice's return, he gathered Kendall into his arms and kissed her with as much strength as he had left.  His shoulder smarted, reminding him of the muddied motorcycle outside…and the anxious worry in her eyes when she'd seen him…and the naked relief when she knew he was fine.  "Do I mean that much to you?"  Ryan asked, not realizing he'd spoken out loud until she answered.  

"Do you even have to ask?"

*****

            The motel owner woke from his light snooze at the strange sounds filtering through the wall.  He listened for a second, then grinned and shook out the newspaper lying rumpled across his lap.  _Not like I haven't heard _that_ around here before.  Gotta do something about those thin walls…_.  Then again—it was good for a laugh sometimes.  Like those kids down a few rooms…spitting at each other like cats.  _Like my wife and I used to do before we were married.  Huh, I wonder what _they'd _say if I told them that…_then the man closed his ears to the noises—grown softer now—and settled back into his easy chair to take up where he'd left off with that newspaper…before he'd fallen asleep.

*****

            Ryan stretched out on the bed with an arm curled protectively around his new girlfriend.  _Girlfriend?  _Ryan caught himself with chagrin.  _Hah.  That's rich…like she'll even want to stay with you long enough to have that title.  She used you, buddy, just like you…_

_STOP!  _

            Ryan flinched at the nickname somehow dredged up from childhood.  _Dad called me 'buddy.'  I was 'Buddy' after he hit me.  When he was trying to make up--again.  _Ryan sank into his own thoughts, circling around in a ceaseless whirlpool until he was oblivious to the sleeping woman beside him.

            Kendall squirmed restlessly and tucked her head under Ryan's chin, disturbing him from his nightmarish daydream.  Ryan wrenched violently away from the pressure until he realized that it was only Kendall's wriggling.  He heaved a mental sigh of relief and brushed an errant curl away from her face.  Kendall smiled at the touch, still lost in dreams.  _May they be pleasant ones, _Ryan prayed.  Lord knew he'd had his share and _hers _of nightmares.  Maybe his presence would keep away those dreams he had rescued her from a month or so ago.  _Was it a month?  Two?  I really don't remember…it seems like much longer than that.  _

            Kendall sighed and nuzzled closer, and Ryan experienced his first unguarded smile in months.  "Wish I had a mirror," he murmured quietly.  All he'd seen of himself lately had been blood, fear, and Chris's eyes.  

_Chris_.

            All of the feelings Ryan had hidden since yesterday's events sharpened and refused to be ignored.  Mixed with the day's earlier realization that he _did _care about the man, the murky tidal wave washed over him in one horrific swoop.  Unbidden, tears of anger and worry and guilt sprang into his reddening eyes and left shining trails on his cheeks.  Ryan's hands twitched convulsively.

            Kendall found herself torn through layers of warm, comforting sleep at the feather-light touch against her temple.  Her head swam with overwhelming joy…she was finally in Ryan'sarms, and _this time _he wasn't trying to leave!  

            She blinked as something hot splashed into her face.  Half awake, Kendall drowsily scrubbed the sleep away with the heel of her hand, and raised her head to find the cause—only to be startled into high alert by what she saw.  Kendall traced her fingertips beneath Ryan's eyes and did not bother to hide her concern.  "Ryan…what's wrong?"

He shook his head.

"Can I help?"

He nodded.  "You already have.  But there's something I need to do…" Ryan trailed off.  Kendall sighed.  "I know, I know.  But you can't visit the hospital right now.  It's almost six.  Visitor hours are over…and Chris needs rest.  So. Do. You."  She commanded.  "I think during the last forty-eight hours you've had maybe fifteen minutes of sleep.  You've got to be running on empty.  I've had more than you, and _I _certainly am!"  She smiled sleepily.

            Ryan's eyes widened with every word.  "How did you know?"

            Kendall sighed.  "Because that's what I'd do."

            Satisfied, Ryan allowed Kendall to pull his unresisting body closer and fell into an utterly exhausted sleep.  He dreamed…but in the morning would not recall them with fear.

_He sat at the edge of the creek in the park, where he and Braden spent most of their stolen hours, stirring the current with a stick.  Where _was _Braden? He wondered, until he felt a hand on his shoulder.  But not a child's.  Not Braden's.  Expecting to see his father, he turned fearfully…_

_To see Gillian, lovely enough in a cotton print dress to make anyone's heart break.  At her side was, indeed, Braden…but grown tall, with features that resembled his father._

_Gillian smiled.  "It's about time, Ryan," She whispered gently, "you've been avoiding yourself for too long.  I've seen it…Braden saw it long before I got here.  He's been worried about you.  And so have I._

_"What is wrong with me, Gilly?"  He asked, dreading the answer.  Gillian squeezed his shoulder reassuringly.  "Absolutely nothing," she replied with confidence, "you're completely normal…anyone would react the same way you did.  Chris doesn't expect you to just hug him around the shoulders and call you "Dad."  He doesn't even expect you to _wish _that you could.  But this is killing you, Ryan.  Slowly, but surely.  And Kendall…"_

_He winced.  Gillian caught his embarrassment and took it in good part.  "You're _not_ using her, Ryan.  Don't believe that for a moment.  And she's not using you.  Don't let the past rule the future, because I _said _so!"  With that, she departed—leaving his brother._

_Braden rested a hand on his other shoulder, smiling that "oh-come-on" smile that must have been passed through the maternal genes.  He felt warmth and reassurance from that hand.  Leaping up, he embraced his long-dead brother fiercely.  Braden returned the hug…and began to fade away.  "Why don't you say anything?  Can't you speak?"_

_"Yes," came the answer from a body-turned-mist, "But Gillian covered everything."_

In his sleep, Ryan experienced his second unguarded smile.      


End file.
